I wrote this essay a few months back for… a thing I don’t think is happening anymore. So I’m posting it here so maybe you guys will enjoy it. Check it out!


So, I really don’t want to come off like I’m mansplaining, but ladies: please don’t rocks in your vagina.
“What a bizarre concern for you to have, Taylor,” you’re thinking. Well of course you think that’s strange; you’re a decent, reasonable person visiting the FU Network. “Why oh why would you feel the need to advise this?” Well, it’s our old friend, crank anti-science.
You know what I mean; those weird, frantic articles posted to Facebook by your uncle nobody talks about, usually sandwiched between a Minions cartoon and a video entitled “Watch Tucker Carlson’s Epic Takedown of Bill Nye!” It’s worth noting that the only thing Tucker Carlson has ever taken down was his viewers’ brain cell count… oh, and his own CNN show.
Because the far-right aren’t the only modern purveyors of advanced, next-level bullshit. Typically-left-wing Hollywood gave us Gwyneth Paltrow, who in turn gave us a big, steaming pile of Goop: an alternative-medicine company. Among other nonsense for the over-privileged, Goop markets a jade egg to insert into one’s vagina to detox, strengthen the pelvic floor and to scare away mischievous house spirits or something. By her own admission, Paltrow doesn’t know what a lot of this stuff is, or how it works. Through my own research, the practice comes from 8th century China, when women would viciously squat-thrust over jade stalagmites. Goop and I are wrong about the above claims, but a key difference is only I will tell you that. Because just like my face, on closer inspection, jade is very porous, meaning it can collect a lot of bacteria. If your alternative health plans include staying alive, this is counter-productive.
Not crazy enough for you? Let’s attack one of my least-favourite people: Jenny McCarthy. You might remember her from being naked twenty years ago. In the last few years, she’s made a name for herself as an inadvertent spokeswoman for the anti-vaccination movement, because she and her ilk believe vaccinations cause autism. They don’t. McCarthy and others, in the face of overwhelming evidence and snarky articles written by mediocre comedians, have clung to the fraudulent report put forth by Andrew Wakefield in 1998. Ironic that Wakefield doubled down after being stripped of his license and McCarthy gets paid exorbinant amounts of money to contribute to the deaths of children around the world while McCarthy’s own child lives a relatively normal life; it would be a shame to get that blood that’s on their hands on their book deals!
The anti-science movement has a strong overlap with the crank conspiracy fringe (don’t mention Donald Trump). Flat-Earthers, anti-GMO protestors, “birthers” (don’t mention Donald Trump), young-Earth creationists, etc., etc. all share a certa- DONALD TRUMP.
Ah, fuck.
It may be hack, but yes, the States elected an anti-vaxxer into the highest office in the country. Not the only despicable thing he is, but you see my point. And it may not be fair to attack the targets I chose, but, hey – word count. Somebody somewhere will have a problem that it was mostly women, but perhaps we should worry less about being politically correct, or even spiting those who are, and worry more about just being correct.

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