I’m making this update public, so that maaaaybe I can drum up some interest for the show. If you want weekly updates emailed to you, every tier of contribution from “Nerd Stuff” (price: $50) and up, includes these weekly updates, and more. There’s some cool merch and perks like posters, shirts, a digital album of original music being written for the film, as well as some personalized stuff, and tons more. So please share it around if you can, and if you have a bit of spare money (I know times are lean), any help is massively appreciated. Anyway…

What a fucking week it has been. Honestly? It has kinda sucked. We’re a week into the crowdfund, with 33 days left, and only $40 to the goal. That’s not a huge deal yet. I knew that doing this well in advance of the date might be risky because… nobody cares about stuff happening in November yet. But I, as a person, cannot handle “hurry up and wait” situations. I just can’t. Just setting the whole thing up took nearly two months – emails, messages, designing the look of the show, figuring out logistics. For anxious people, it’s like throwing an entire gas station on a fire. I’m seeking out sponsorships and potential grants, and now leaning more toward (trying to) sell this thing. The most important facet, to me, is… that it just gets made. It felt really important, and I had a lot of support at the idea of it.

But that’s not the main reason this has sucked. Three days after launch, I got laid off (I also paid $50 to get laid off – how do you like that?) so the last few days have been spent madly trying to find work that pays something equivalent, because I also have to consider next year. In the spring, I’ll be going to Vancouver Film School for their writing program, and I essentially need to live off my savings for an entire year. It’ll be rough. I’ve always had such bad anxiety about money, but also been open about it. I hate money, but begrudgingly seek it. This stress has been compounding, and it’s made my ability to handle problems almost non-existent. My bandwidth, as I’ve been saying, is used the fuck up. Which leads me to a final point, and something that I have been very reticent to talk about…

If you’re not in the comedy community, you likely don’t know; it’s extremely fractious. I can’t speak for other places, but it’s very bad here. It makes comedy less fun. It’s already stressful if you care about it, you make no money 99% of the time, and to add not only personality clashes on top of it, but legitimate harassment, bullying, and the grey area of “well… that’s shitty, but does it involve me?” I’ve always been a peripheral player; I don’t make friends easily, I am not at shows every night, I’m terrible at networking, and I’ve never felt particularly welcome. Most of that is in my head, to be fair, there are some very friendly, warm, and welcoming people. But there are those who enjoy conflict, or compulsively seek it out – as there are in every facet of life. And as an outsider among outsiders, I have felt safely distant and pleasantly ignorant of pettiness and fights. They don’t interest me, and they never will. No man is an island, they say, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying. And I’d settle for being a peninsula or an isthmus. But the same day as the Indiegogo launch, there was a blow-up, and now it is inexorably bleeding into my world, to the point where I can’t ignore it and I have to do something. It is not fun, it is not easy, my stomach has been twisting and whenever I have to confront it, I feel like I’m going to vomit.

Don’t misunderstand that I think I have it harder, and I know there are many comics, who through no fault of their own, face worse things all the time, and probably feel like throwing up at a show because they don’t know who’s going to be there – or they do know. But it makes me recede further away from people. I feel as if I reached out and stuck my hand in poison. I love, love, LOVE the idea of being the loner on stage, telling jokes, having silly thoughts, dark thoughts, making people laugh, making them shift in their seat a bit. The ultimate outsider, observing Earth from out past Pluto’s orbit, just like my hero, George Carlin. It’s too easy to blame audiences, or “the industry”, or other comics, or whomever is today’s persona non grata.

I want to make art, I want make people laugh, I want to help my friends be great. I honestly believe there is room for everyone, and if you do not feel you fit in to what’s around you, then it is time to build a new puzzle around yourself.

Next update will not be such a pity-party, as I have a definite theme for more than a few of them. We’re yet a few months out from the show, but the crowdfund is on-going, and I need your help. Thanks for reading. I hope you are well. And I hope that you make somebody very happy.

https://igg.me/at/themixtape

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